I can feel the weight of your broken heart in this question, and I want you to know that what you’re experiencing right now is one of the most profound forms of human pain. You’re probably wondering how other people make this look so easy when every breath feels like you’re drowning. Maybe you’re angry at yourself for still loving someone who’s no longer in your life, or frustrated that your logical mind knows it’s over but your heart hasn’t gotten the memo yet.
You might be oscillating between moments of acceptance and waves of grief that knock you sideways without warning. Perhaps you’re tired of well-meaning friends telling you to “just move on” when the thought of loving someone else feels impossible, even disloyal. That hollow ache in your chest when you wake up and remember all over again that they’re gone—I know it feels like it might kill you, but I promise you it won’t.
The Real Problem Behind Your Question
When we ask “How do I get over someone I love?” we’re really asking: “How do I survive this pain without losing the part of me that’s capable of love?” You’re not just trying to forget someone—you’re trying to figure out how to live with a heart that feels shattered while still believing that love is worth the risk.
The deeper issue often stems from believing that getting over someone means you have to stop loving them entirely, erase all the beautiful memories, or somehow convince yourself that what you shared wasn’t real. This all-or-nothing thinking makes the healing process feel impossible because you’re fighting against your own heart instead of working with it.
Many women get stuck in the healing process because they feel guilty for loving someone who’s no longer available, as if continuing to care makes them weak or pathetic. But love doesn’t turn off like a light switch, and the fact that you’re capable of deep love—even when it hurts—is actually one of your greatest strengths.
Why Loving Someone Who’s Gone Feels So Impossible to Survive
When you love someone deeply, they become woven into your identity, your daily routines, your future dreams, and your sense of safety in the world. Losing them doesn’t just mean missing their presence—it means grieving the future you imagined together, the version of yourself you were when you were with them, and the sense of belonging that came from being chosen by someone you adored.
Your brain formed neural pathways associated with this person that created actual chemical bonds. When they’re gone, your nervous system goes into withdrawal, which is why heartbreak can feel physically painful. You’re not being dramatic—you’re experiencing a real form of trauma that affects your entire being.
Your Compassionate Healing Roadmap
Phase 1: The Emergency Heart Care Period (Weeks 1-4)
Right now, your only job is survival and basic self-care. This isn’t the time for major life decisions or trying to be “strong.” This is the time for treating yourself like you’re recovering from a serious illness—because emotionally, you are.
Create a Sacred Space for Your Grief: Set aside time each day to feel your feelings completely. Cry in the shower, scream into pillows, write angry letters you’ll never send. Don’t try to be “positive” or “move on” yet. Your heart needs to be witnessed in its pain before it can begin to heal.
Establish Non-Negotiable Self-Care: Eat nourishing food even when you have no appetite. Stay hydrated. Sleep as much as your body needs. Take gentle walks outside. These basics aren’t optional—they’re the foundation that will allow you to heal. Treat yourself with the tenderness you’d give a beloved friend going through the same pain.
Limit Exposure to Triggers: This means no social media stalking, no driving by their house, no listening to “your songs,” and no contact if possible. Each time you expose yourself to reminders, you’re reopening the wound. You’re not avoiding reality—you’re creating the conditions necessary for healing.
Build a Support Network: Identify 2-3 people who can sit with you in your pain without trying to fix it or rush you through it. Let them bring you food, hold you while you cry, and remind you that this pain is temporary even when it feels eternal.
Phase 2: The Reconstruction Period (Months 2-6)
As the acute pain begins to soften, you’ll start rebuilding your identity and life without this person. This phase is about rediscovering who you are when you’re not defined by this relationship.
Reclaim Your Physical Space: Remove photos, gifts, and reminders from your immediate environment. You’re not erasing memories—you’re creating space for new experiences. Rearrange your bedroom, try a new coffee shop, take a different route to work. Small changes help signal to your brain that this is a new chapter.
Rebuild Your Identity Outside the Relationship: Make a list of who you were before this person and who you want to become now. What dreams did you put on hold? What friendships did you neglect? What parts of yourself got lost in loving them? Start small—take one class, call one old friend, pursue one forgotten interest.
Process the Relationship Honestly: Write about what you learned, what you loved, and what you would do differently. This isn’t about blame—it’s about integration. What did this love teach you about yourself? How did it change you? What do you want to carry forward, and what do you want to leave behind?
Create New Neural Pathways: Your brain needs new associations and experiences to replace the old ones. Try new restaurants, listen to different music, explore neighborhoods you’ve never been to. You’re literally rewiring your brain to associate joy and excitement with experiences that don’t include them.
Phase 3: The Integration and Growth Period (Months 6+)
This is where you begin to transform your pain into wisdom and your loss into a deeper capacity for love—both for yourself and others.
Develop a New Relationship with the Love You Shared: You don’t have to stop loving them to heal from losing them. Instead, learn to love them from a distance with gratitude rather than attachment. You can honor what you shared while releasing your grip on what you’ve lost.
Focus on Becoming the Woman You Want to Be: Use this period of rebuilding to create a life that feels authentic and fulfilling. Pursue goals that excite you, cultivate friendships that nourish you, and develop a relationship with yourself that’s so strong that while you might want a partner, you’ll never again need someone else to complete you.
Learn to Trust Love Again: This might seem impossible now, but healing from heartbreak often deepens our capacity for love rather than diminishing it. You’re learning that you can survive losing someone you love, which paradoxically makes you braver about loving again when the right person comes along.
The Myths That Keep You Stuck
Myth 1: “Getting over them means I never really loved them” Truth: The depth of your pain is actually evidence of how real and profound your love was. Honoring that love while releasing attachment to the person is the highest form of healing.
Myth 2: “I should be over this by now” Truth: There’s no timeline for healing from love loss. Some people need months, others need years. Your healing speed doesn’t determine your strength or worth.
Myth 3: “If I move on, I’m betraying what we had” Truth: Creating a beautiful life after loss is actually the greatest tribute to love. You’re proving that love—even when it ends—transforms us in ways that last forever.
Myth 4: “I’ll never love anyone the way I loved them” Truth: You’re right—you’ll never love anyone exactly the same way. Future love will be different, often deeper and healthier, because you’ll love from a place of greater self-knowledge and emotional maturity.
Signs You’re Healing (Even When It Doesn’t Feel Like It)
- You can go hours or even a full day without thinking about them
- Memories bring more sweetness than stabbing pain
- You feel curious about your future rather than consumed by your past
- You can appreciate what you learned from the relationship
- You feel grateful for your capacity to love deeply, even when it hurts
- You start noticing attractive qualities in other people
- You make plans that excite you and don’t involve them
The Unexpected Gift Hidden in Your Pain
Here’s what I’ve learned from helping thousands of women through heartbreak: The ones who heal completely don’t just get over their lost love—they discover a strength, depth, and capacity for joy they never knew they possessed. They learn that they can survive anything, which makes them fearless about pursuing the life and love they truly want.
Your broken heart isn’t evidence that you loved wrong or too much. It’s proof that you’re capable of the kind of deep, transformative love that most people spend their whole lives searching for. That capacity didn’t die when the relationship ended—it’s still there, waiting to be directed toward someone who can receive it and reciprocate it fully.
What to Do When the Waves Hit
Because even months into healing, grief will sometimes ambush you. When this happens:
Feel It Fully: Don’t fight the wave—ride it. Grief comes in waves because healing isn’t linear. Each wave that passes leaves you a little stronger.
Remember Your Progress: Keep a list of small victories and moments of joy. On the hard days, remind yourself how far you’ve come.
Trust the Process: Healing from lost love isn’t something you do once—it’s something you practice daily until one day you realize you’re not practicing anymore, you’re just living.
Your immediate next step: Tonight, write a letter to yourself from the perspective of who you’ll be a year from now—the version of you who has healed from this loss. What would she tell you about this pain? What would she want you to know about your strength? What would she say about the love that’s waiting for you?
Remember, beautiful soul: Getting over someone you love doesn’t mean forgetting them or pretending they didn’t matter. It means loving them enough to let them go and loving yourself enough to believe you deserve a love that chooses you back. Your heart is not broken forever—it’s broken open, making space for a love greater than anything you’ve known before.
The pain you’re feeling right now is not your destination—it’s the bridge between who you were and who you’re becoming. Cross it with courage, knowing that on the other side waits a version of yourself who is stronger, wiser, and more beautiful because she learned to love herself through the hardest season of her life.
