Breakups are supposed to be the end, right? So why does it still feel like your heart didn’t get the memo? You know they hurt you, maybe more than once, and yet, a part of you still loves them. It doesn’t make sense, and that’s frustrating. You might be wondering, “What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I just move on?”
The truth is, nothing is wrong with you. What you’re feeling is completely normal. Love isn’t just something we can switch off like a light. It’s deep, complicated, and tied to so many parts of who we are. So let’s dig into why you’re still in love with your ex, even though they hurt you.
1. Love Doesn’t Disappear Overnight
Your feelings for your ex weren’t built in a day. They developed over time—through shared experiences, deep conversations, inside jokes, and memories. The brain doesn’t just delete all of that once a relationship ends, even if it was painful.
Think of love like a habit. If you’ve spent months or years with someone, they become part of your daily routine—just like brushing your teeth or checking your phone first thing in the morning. Even if you know the relationship was unhealthy, your brain is still wired to want what’s familiar.
2. Emotional Attachment Is Stronger Than Logic
You might logically understand that your ex wasn’t good for you, but emotions don’t follow logic. Your heart doesn’t care about the red flags. It remembers the good times, the way they made you feel, and the version of them you fell in love with.
Even if they hurt you, there were likely moments when they made you feel loved, safe, or happy. Your mind clings to those positive memories because it wants to protect you from pain. It’s almost like your brain is saying, “But remember that time they held you when you were sad?”
That’s not weakness—it’s how human attachment works.
3. The Chemical Side of Love (Your Brain Is Addicted!)
Love is more than just an emotion—it’s a chemical reaction. When you were with your ex, your brain released feel-good chemicals like dopamine and oxytocin. These are the same chemicals released when people use addictive substances.
Now that the relationship is over, your brain craves those chemicals again. It wants that high—even if it knows your ex isn’t good for you. That’s why you might romanticize the past or feel an almost physical withdrawal. It’s not just in your head—it’s in your brain chemistry.
4. Hope & “What If” Thoughts Keep You Stuck
Even if your ex hurt you, a part of you might still hope that things could have been different. Thoughts like:
- “What if they change?”
- “Maybe if I had done something differently, they wouldn’t have hurt me.”
- “What if they meet someone else and treat them better?”
These thoughts are like little traps that keep you emotionally tied to your ex. Hope is powerful, and sometimes it keeps us stuck in the past, replaying old memories like a broken record.
5. Your Self-Worth Might Be Tied to Them
This one is tough, but it’s important. Sometimes, when someone hurts us in a relationship, we don’t just lose them—we lose a part of ourselves. If they made you feel special or worthy of love, you might feel like you can’t get that feeling anywhere else.
Or, if they put you down, made you feel small, or controlled you, you might be unknowingly searching for their validation, even after the breakup. It’s like your brain is saying, “If they love me again, maybe I’ll finally be good enough.”
Spoiler alert: You were always good enough. Their actions don’t define your worth.
6. You Miss Who They Pretended to Be
Sometimes, we don’t love the person—we love the idea of who they were. Maybe in the beginning, they were kind, affectionate, and made you feel like you were the center of their world. But over time, they changed. They hurt you.
That’s painful because the person you loved felt real. But ask yourself:
- Were they always that amazing, or did they show me only what I wanted to see?
- Did I fall for their potential rather than who they actually were?
- Am I missing them, or just missing the feeling of being loved?
It’s okay to grieve the good parts of the relationship, but remember, if someone truly loved you, they wouldn’t have hurt you.
7. You Fear Being Alone
Let’s be honest—being alone can be scary. If you’re used to having someone there, the thought of facing life without them can feel overwhelming. Loneliness can make you miss even the worst relationships just because they filled a space in your life.
But here’s something to remember: Being alone is better than being with someone who doesn’t treat you right. Loneliness is temporary. Self-respect lasts forever.
8. Your Heart Needs Time to Catch Up to Your Mind
Healing isn’t instant. Just because your brain knows the breakup was necessary doesn’t mean your heart is ready to let go. Think of it like an old wound—just because the injury is over doesn’t mean it doesn’t still ache.
Give yourself time. Give yourself grace. The love you feel for them will fade. And one day, you’ll wake up and realize… you don’t miss them anymore.
How Do You Start Letting Go?
If you’re still in love with your ex, even though they hurt you, here are a few things you can do to start moving forward:
✅ Go No Contact: Stop checking their social media, texting, or hoping for closure. Closure comes from you, not them.
✅ Write It Out: Journal your thoughts. Write a letter to them (but don’t send it). Get the emotions out.
✅ Remind Yourself of the Bad: Make a list of all the ways they hurt you. Read it when you feel weak.
✅ Refocus on You: Start a new hobby, reconnect with friends, and take care of yourself. Make you your priority.
✅ Seek Support: Talk to a friend, therapist, or support group. You don’t have to do this alone.
You Deserve Better
You deserve love that doesn’t hurt. You deserve someone who sees your worth without making you question it. You deserve a relationship that lifts you up, not one that leaves you broken.
So, why do you still love your ex, even though they hurt you? Because you’re human. Because love is complicated. But just because you love them doesn’t mean you should go back.
One day, you’ll love again—and this time, it won’t hurt. ❤️
